k-punk

Special announcement
You all know how troublesome journalists can sometimes be when you’re trying to spread the message of how wonderful your product is? They can make such a fuss about ‘making their own minds up’ and ‘being critical’ yada yada yada. And paying them off can be a real drain on resources.
Well, worry no more. Ubik Industries have the solution to all your promotional needs in the shape of the PRobot [tm]. The PRobot is an easy-to-use Artifical Stupidity program which converts press releases, PR statements or copywriting into print-ready advertorial, quick as a flash. No questions asked!
The RRobot turns product placement into an artform. And unlike paid advertisements, the PRobot’s stories have the advantage of looking like they come from an independent and objective source.
All you have to do is convince a newspaper or magazine that one of our PRobots is a real flesh and blood human being – not difficult in today’s world of email and working from home. The PRobot will do the rest.
Worried that the PRobot will have a limited vocabulary and a weak style? Those features are exactly what make it so convincing and so effective in today’s media! The PRobot always uses easy-to-digest phrases that every reader will already be familiar with. For example, if a process is coming to an end, ‘the death knell’ will be ‘sounding’ for it. If something is fashionable it will be ‘all the rage’. This kind of language has been proven to put to sleep any critical or questioning faculties in readers – so, no distractions from the important message about your product! The PRobot makes allowances for even the least well-informed reader. For instance, HMV will be described as a ‘music retailer’, Bob Marley will be called ‘Jamaican legend’.
We already have functioning model up and running and filing copy at respected left-of-centre broadsheet the Guardian. The ‘Natalie Hanman’ model has published over FIFTY articles in the past year. Try getting your journalistic contacts out of the pub long enough to be THAT efficient!
Here are just a few examples of Natalie’s work.
‘Like bits of food in your loved one’s beard, leftover lunch in your office keyboard is at best unsightly, and at worst unhygienic. While over the years messy office workers have come up with numerous ways to clear the clutter from in between their keys – blowing air on the keyboard, shaking it furiously or folding up bits of paper with which to dig the damn stuff out – it now could be a simple matter of wash and go.
Unotron’s new SpillSeal keyboard can be immersed in anti-bacterial washing-up liquid to remove nearly 100% of germs, with no risk of the water leaking into electrical contact points or damaging your computer equipment.’
‘Facebook.com, launched in February last year by three roommates at America’s Harvard University, puts a new twist on the growing phenomenon of social networking sites. More friendly than Friendster but with less street cred than MySpace, its focus is on communication between college students – and if academia isn’t where you’re at, then you are unlikely to get a look in.
‘Apple turned the screw further on competitors last week by revamping its iPod lineup and slashing prices. The second generation iPod Mini, which can be charged by USB and claims increased battery life, is now available as a 4GB model for £139 or 6GB for £169. The USB power adaptor does not come as part of the package, and will set buyers back a further £19. The top-of-the-range, colour-screen iPod Photo has also seen drastic price cuts, with a 30GB model now costing £249, bringing it much closer to the price of the classic white iPod. Shoppers wanting more welly can pick up a 60GB unit for £309. Both moves mark Apple’s attempt to extend its grip on the music player market and encourage new buyers to hook into the brand.’
Remember, these articles all appeared on the features or comments pages, with a byline…
You can see all of Natalie’s articles here.
Safe, if used as directed.